~Blythe Donham
Blythe
Donham
Professor
Cupolo
Final Project – something new
Fall
Sitting
in a small bagel shop drinking his large coffee, eating his egg, bacon and
cheese sandwich, he looks up from his book out at the slow streams of rain
falling on the glass. James could not help but think of his first visit to this
small town and his first face to face with Grace; her tall, strong body, and all
of her quiet confidence, how her dark brown hair fell across her face and how
her hazel eyes burned into his every time she looked at him. He could have
spent his entire life in the kindness and beauty of her smile and her joyful,
honest laugh might possibly have been the sweetest and loveliest sound he had
heard in his 40 years of life. It’s on days like this, he goes back four years,
to the time they spent with one another. And back to the day that he would
regret for as long as he lived.
#
James
was always a complicated man. He was a man who believed words were important
and believed that you don’t just say something just to say it. “You say what
you mean and you mean what you say, was his motto.” James was a 36 years old
man in the middle of a divorce, with an autistic four-year old son, when he met
and fell in love with Grace.
Grace was a dear friend with James’ older sister;
Cheyene and the two were brought together by the wonders of Facebook. The two
began exchanging e-mails and after a few days of random chitchats about nothing
of any importance – other than where Waldo really
was – they eventually exchanged phone numbers. As the weeks passed, they would
spend hours talking on the phone about his divorce; his wife had an affair with
another man and as much as he had tried to forgive and forget – to make it
work, he always found that the he could do neither. He and Grace would talk
about his son's autism; Jeremiah was a high functioning autistic child that was
an incredibly intelligent, loving boy who had difficulties with noise, animals,
and of change. The two of them would talk about his dreams to some day open a
restaurant and to write a book for his son and other children with autism – to
reassure them that they weren’t alone. That they would never be alone. They
discussed her desire to become an elementary school teacher – “to have a
positive impact from early on” – she would say. They would spend hours talking
and even more hours not talking; they could sit in complete silence with one
another and not say a word and they both knew that the silence oftentimes said
more about them and how they felt about one another than their words ever would
be able to. He knew that there were no words that would ever be able to
describe how he already felt about the woman whom he had up until that point,
never even met yet.
#
It was October 16th
2008 when James took the six hour and nineteen minute drive from Orange County,
California to the Bay Area to spend the weekend with someone he believed was
one of the most amazing women he could ever hope to know
He
drove down the interstate with his windows down, singing to John Mayer, Trapt, Jack
Johnson. With each mile that closed the gap between them, he felt something
that he had not felt in a very long time; a longing and an excitement that he
could not put into words. He never expected for something to occur between the
two of them and for this woman to be everything he never knew he wanted in his
life. He never imagined that he would ever feel this way about anyone again. He
knew how he felt about Grace and how Grace felt about him and he didn’t care
about what other people thought. From their conversations, he knew that she was
a kind woman, a woman that was honest to a fault, a caring woman, a woman that
was incredibly selfless. He knew that she was someone that he wanted to go on
adventures with; he believed that she was a beautiful woman inside and out.
It
was 5:45pm with signs of the first rainfall of the season, when he pulled into
the parking lot of the Tri-Valley Inn and Suites in the small East Bay Area
town, Pleasanton. Seeing as Grace was a friend of his sister’s, he did not want
to presume that he could stay with Grace, so he elected to stay at a hotel. The
first thing that went through James’ mind was that this town seemed like a
lovely place to spend the most perfect weekend with someone he cared so much
about. He checked into the hotel, got his keys to room 106. Checked himself in
the mirror and ran cold water over his face as he smiled at his reflection,
“this is it,” he thought.
He
took out his phone and though he was eager to call her right away, he waited
and stared at her picture for what seemed like minutes, found her number and
pressed send. As the phone rang, he could not help but be excited, nervous, and
even more so ready. Ready to have this woman standing right in front of him so
he could look at her, touch her, feel her warmth; it gave him goose bumps just
thinking that he was just minutes away from that. Grace answered the phone in
her cheery, upbeat voice, the voice that he had come to know, rely on, and seek
comfort in.
“Hey
you!” She said with warmth and a hint of longing that it took his breath away.
“Hi,
love. I am here. All checked in.” He managed to let escape.
“Wonderful.
I will be there in about five minutes. What room are you in?”
“106”
“On
my way!”
The five minutes it took for
her to get to him were the longest five minutes of his entire life. As he
impatiently waited for her arrival, he called to check in on his son, he had
never been away from Jeremiah for this long. As he was talking with Jeremiah on
the phone, he would occasionally look out the window, watching the rain stream
down, in excited anticipation for Grace's arrival. As he finished his call with
his son and told him that he loved and missed him, he finally saw a white car
pull into the parking lot and a woman in a grey and turquoise striped dress
that hugged all of her curves in the perfect spots, hair pulled back and a
nervous smile on the face that he had studied through pictures, step out of the
car. She knocked on the door. He waited. Looking at her through the peephole. He
did not want to take his eyes off of her for one second. He opened the door and
the first thing she did was smile at him. Her hazel eyes looking right into his
sad blue eyes. Her beautiful, loving smile brought on a burning desire and a
longing in his heart. To see this in
person. To have this in front of me. This is what I want.
“Hello.”
Grace said with smiling eyes.
She
took his breath away. He stared at her and finally said, “Hello!” He then
ushered her into the room and finally couldn’t help himself, scooped her up
with a hug and breathed her in and held her for as long as he could. She
smelled of a mixture of sweet perfume and peaches; a smell that he wanted to
remember for a lifetime. James didn‘t want to let her go, he just wanted to
hold her, to feel her and to know that she was real. And she let him. When the
time finally came for them to let go of one another, they both looked into each
other’s eyes and smiled sweetly at one another. Again, words didn’t need to be
exchanged, they were both perfectly content finally being face to face.
Eventually
the silence was interrupted by the rumbling of two hungry stomachs. They both
laughed at each other’s hunger and decided on ordering in some pizza. They
ordered a large cheese pizza and devoured it as if they hadn’t eaten in years;
something that made them both laugh at each other again. They talked all
through dinner about how surreal it was for the both of them to be in the
situation that they were in, about how neither one of them was looking for
anything but both couldn’t help but agree that they were already very important
to one another.
They
spent the rest of the evening talking about books, music, movies, Jeremiah – everything.
Looking into each other’s eyes, tenderly touching one another as if both wondering
if the other was real or not. When he finally kissed her, he felt weak and
vulnerable everywhere. He felt it in his knees, in his heart, his head was
spinning and he couldn’t keep a fluid thought in his mind other than the
thought that he just wanted to keep looking at her, touching her, kissing her.
He wanted to stay up all night cherishing her, talking to her, getting lost in
her smile and in her beautiful hazel eyes. James knew that she felt the same
way. He could see in in the way that she looked at him. The way she touched
him. The way she smiled at him. It was in the way she allowed him to be exactly
who he was. Without pretense, judgment, or fault.
James
and Grace fell asleep in each other’s arms and when he woke up the next morning
before she had the chance, he realized that felt safe there with her. A feeling
because of his past, he never thought he would ever or could ever feel again.
He looked at her and tenderly caressed her face. He couldn’t believe that this
woman was next to him and how fast she had won over his heart and soul. He was
thankful for her. He stared at her longingly and gently tucked her hair behind
her ear. Kissed her on her nose. Kissed her forehead. Kissed her on her neck. He
couldn’t help himself. Grace woke up smiling at him and touched his scruffy
cheek. He knew he had to have her right then and there. She let him. They made
love for the first time and he still believed, without a doubt, no matter what
happened after this weekend, this woman was special.
They
both got ready for the day, showering separately and allowing each other some
privacy; James called Jeremiah to make sure that he had breakfast and to tell
him that he would be home in a just a couple of days, it was the one thing in
his life that he believed that he had gotten right, his beautiful son. The rain
had finally stopped. When they were both dressed and ready, they walked to the
local coffee shop to get bagels and coffee. It was one of the things that he
adored about her. She liked to be outside. She preferred to walk. He adored the
fact that it gave her a sense of peace and calm. They both ordered an egg and
bacon sandwich and large coffees and sat in a corner booth eating, staring,
smiling, and making faces at each other. She made him feel safe. She made him feel
alive. She made him feel special. Just in the way she looked at him and he
longed and hoped to make her feel the very same way. They walked back to the
hotel hand in hand, talking about what they wanted to do for the rest of the
day. They decided on a nap, holding each other, and looking into each other’s
eyes. Lunch and exploring afterwards. Grace fell asleep first and James pulled
her in closer to him to feel her warmth of her body next to his. Minutes seemed
to pass and he finally fell asleep, hugging her tightly to himself.
Hours
later, they both woke up and stared at each other again, the silence between
them – the definition of perfect; they could stare into each other’s eyes and
feel safe there. Like they were home. The
yearning and want for one another took over both of them and they made love for
the second time. Getting lost in each other. Feeling safe. Feeling loved.
Feeling wanted. They smiled at each other and James kissed Grace gently on the lips
as they silently lay on the bed.
The
sun decided to come out from behind the clouds as Grace road shotgun and was navigator
as James drove his silver Ford Lightning down Interstate 680. Windows down,
music blasting through the speakers. They drove to an even smaller town that
had more history than most big towns – Danville, CA. She took him to Sideboard
Café, her favorite little coffee house that had wood tables, mismatched chairs,
small Christmas lights hanging from the ceiling, acoustic music softly playing
over the speakers, and coloring books with crayons on every table. James felt
more relaxed and more himself with her and in this place than he had ever felt
with anyone, in any place in a very long time. They spent hours at the coffee
shop talking, holding hands, stealing kisses, and looking into each other’s
eyes, occasionally sipping coffee.
When
they were both ready to leave, Grace suggested that they go for a walk. His
heart skipped a beat again – he knew how much she loved to walk and explore. To
be a part of the world. Something that he never longed for until he met her.
Things were different with her. He believed in himself. Saw the goodness in
himself when he was with her. Up until they met, it had been years since he had
seen or felt any kind of light. Darkness. Perpetual darkness is all her saw. It
was all he was capable of feeling. It was a place he felt comfortable. James
and his sudden burst of light and goodness explored downtown. Its old feel. How
most of the shops and restaurants were in old Victorian style homes. How calm
and peaceful he felt just being there with her, walking hand in hand. He
couldn’t believe that there was such a place like this. A place that seemed to
be hidden away – a hidden treasure. A place with large, beautiful trees, vibrant
flowers, brick buildings. A place where for the first time in a really long
time he felt calm in his heart, in his mind, and in his soul. A feeling that not
only had to do with this place, but because of Grace. Because of her beauty.
Because of her kindness.
As
they were driving back to the hotel, James couldn’t help but to think how he
has never felt safer with anyone. How he has never laughed as much with someone
as he does with Grace. They only have one more day to spend with one another
before he leaves. A thought that made his whole body ache. It was then that he
began to question everything. How could he leave her? But then again, how could
this work? How could he go back to his life as it was before her? These were
questions that James kept asking himself and the answers, to him, we simple yet
complex at the same time; he had to
leave her. He had a son and a job in Orange County. She had a life and a job in
the Bay Area. He didn't know if it could really work. The distance hadn't
seemed to be an issue at first, but it wasn’t until he really thought about it.
He knew coming into this weekend that there would be that devastating when he
came to the realization that if they tried this long distance – they would be
spending more time apart than they would be together. He wasn’t sure that that
was something that he wanted. Especially not with her. But he also knew without
a doubt that he would not be able to go back to his life as it was without her.
She began to make him feel that anything was possible. She had captured his
heart in such a short period of time. He had a difficult time remembering what
life was like before her. The thought of life after her, after their weekend
together – thoughts he wasn’t ready to face – only entertain. For the sake of
his son he had to think rationally instead of impulsively and emotionally.
“Are
you ok?” Grace asked as she reached over and tenderly caressed his neck with
her hand. He couldn’t answer her, he just smiled at her, grabbed her hand,
kissed the back of it and refused to let her go. Squeezing her hand in his – as
if saying, you’re mine – I will never let
you go.
As they reached town, James decided that he
wanted to explore more of the town she grew up in. The place that she called
home. As he drove – she navigated – they drove past her high school, her
elementary school, Fair Grounds. He was delighted to hear her stories. Listen to
her talk about her life. Her friends. Her beautiful memories of the place she
grew up. It was quite the task to get her to actually speak to him – he knew
she preferred to be writing whatever it is that she wanted to say so much more.
As he was watching her tell her storied he began to fall in love with the town she
called home. All because it was where she was and wherever she was, was the
place he longed to be. They decided to park and walk through downtown, walking
past the Veteran’s Memorial Building, where she told him stories of all of the
plays she used to be in. They walked past the small, yoga studio where she does
yoga twice a week. As they were walking, talking, laughing, the clouds decided
to open up and rain began pouring down on them. They ducked into the nearest
building, laughing at how fast and clumsily they were able to escape the
downpour. They looked around and realized that they were in a restaurant and
suddenly they both remembered that they hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast
and how famished they both were. By some sort of miracle, on a busy Friday
evening, the restaurant had an open table and they were seated right away in a
corner booth. After a few minutes of looking over the menu, they decided on
calamari as a starter. Sesame crusted Ahi Tuna and a beer for him. Lemon and
herb marinated roasted chicken breast and wine from a local winery for her. As
they were waiting for their food, James stole glances of Grace. Her make-up
free face. How her hair fell across her face. How she looked beautiful in her
simple green t-shirt and jeans. Their food came and they both dug in, eating
and exchanging glances. Occasionally feeding one another and making faces at
one another.
Once
finished, they walked out of the restaurant, hand in hand, back out into the
rain and to James’ car. They didn’t want to spend one of their last days cooped
up in the hotel – even if that meant spending hours holding each other – they
wanted to experience what life would be like if they were a real couple. They decided
to go to a movie, with John Mayer playing through the speakers, they drove to
the theater, parked and walked hand in hand up to the ticket counter. As they
were walking, James noticed how enamored he was with her. Everything that she
does. Everything that she is. How she walks. How she carries herself with such
assured confidence. How he feels more himself with her than he has ever felt.
Once they got their tickets, they walked in to the concession stand, bought
Sour Patch Kids, Junior Mints, and water and headed in to get their seats.
James let Grace pick the seats. She liked sitting in the middle of the middle –
the perfect middle – a quirk of hers
that made him laugh and adore her even more. After she chose the perfect middle
seat, they both sat and enjoyed the movie and one another’s company. James noticed
every time he sat forward in his seat, Grace would reach over and gently rub
his back. He could sense that she reached over to touch him simply just because
she wanted to and not because she knew that he wanted her to – even though he
did, he always wanted to be touched by her or to be touching her – it was a
feeling that he never knew he would crave so much.
The
movie ended and the rain stopped. They walked sleepily hand in hand back to the
truck never letting go of one another. When they reached the truck, James
opened the door for Grace – like a gentleman – before she got into the car, she
turned around and looked James in the eyes. She smiled at him. Crinkled her nose. Touched his
cheek as she leaned in to kiss him on the lips. James put his arms around her
and pulled her in closer to him as he deepened the kiss. He didn’t want to let
her go. They broke the kiss at the same time and looked deeper into each
other’s eyes. Held one another in the cold, midnight blue abandoned parking
lot. It was just the two of them. Even if people were around and someone was to
walk by, it wouldn’t have mattered. The only thing that mattered in that moment
was them. How they felt about one another. How much they both knew they wanted
one another. They let go of each other, got into the car, and drove back to their
weekend escape.
James
got the hotel key out of his back pocket, unlocked and opened the door as they
both walked sleepily back into the room. They gave each other some privacy
while they separately got ready for bed. Brushing teeth. Washing faces. Checking
any missed messages and e-mails on their phones. Though they were both
exhausted and ready for bed, neither one of them could sleep. They wanted to
spend as much time together as they possibly could. Their weekend was slowly
coming to an end. James didn’t want to close his eyes and not see her. Even if
he saw her in his dreams it was never the same as having her right in front of
him. Seeing her in his dreams would never be enough. He knew that it made her
uncomfortable – how much he liked to just sit and look at her – it was an
insecurity of hers. She always let him. They sat on the bed face-to-face gazing
into each other’s eyes. Smiling and touching each other. Grace reached up and
caressed James’ face. Tracing his ear. His nose. His lips. Smiling and
crinkling her nose as she did. She looked at him longingly and lovingly, in
such a way that he always longed for someone to look at him. Like he was the
only man in the world. In turn, James traced her lips with his fingers. Traced
the shape of her face from her eyebrows, down her nose, her prominent cheekbones,
her chin, and her neck. He planted soft, tender kisses on her neck. Her nose. Her
lips. He stopped and gazed into her beautiful eyes. He could get lost in those
eyes. A thought that excited him more and more with each minute he spent with
her.
Grace scooted closer to James
and put her forehead to his. They sat quietly on the bed. Breathing each other
in. After a minute, she kissed him softly on the lips. He pulled her in closer
so they were as close as they possibly could be. They slowly undressed one
another and started to make love again. Each time is different. Each time, the
feeling of their bodies together and the outpouring of their heart and souls. Leaves
them both breathless. Always wanting more. Never wanting to let go. They fell
asleep in each other’s arms and woke up the next morning the same way.
As
they both stretched and looked out the window to see the rain falling, James
pulled Grace closer and breathed her in. Though her back was to him, he could
still feel her smile and hear her take a deep breath. She turned around, looked
him in the eyes, crinkled her nose, and smiled sadly at him. He almost asked
her what was wrong but then he remembered that this was their last day to spend
together before he was to drive back home. They look at each other and touch
each other in silence, the silence that just keeps getting more and more
perfect with each moment they spend with one another. They got up to get ready
for the day. To go out and get breakfast and coffee at the bagel shop they had
gone to the day before.
They
sat and talked about everything. Writing. Dreams. His restaurant. Family. Life.
His impending divorce. Her distaste for her cruel and cold boss. Everything except
the elephant in the room. Neither one of them wanted to face the reality that
James was leaving in less than 24 hours. They laughed and smiled at each other and
decided to go into San Francisco for the day. They drove out to the city – to
visit the Aquarium of the Bay. They spent the day walking around. Taking the
ferry out to Alcatraz Island. They spent the day eating, not being able to let
go of one another, looking at each other, dancing and singing down the street,
and having an amazing time just being with one another. They found a place
along Pier 39 where they sat and watched the sunset. They sat in complete
silence stealing sweet kisses, holding hands, touching each other, smiling at
each other, but never talking. No – no words were needed. James never could have
fathomed how beautiful and how seemingly perfect it was to sit in silence with Grace.
He got lost in the thought that this was the most magnificent woman that he had
ever met. How this was the place that he had never known that he had always
wanted to be. The place he needed to be. Anywhere with her is where he wanted
to be. After the sun went down and their stomachs were empty and rumbling, they
found a small family owned Italian restaurant that was still open. They talked
about food, wine, told jokes, and laughed. They could always make each other
laugh. They looked at each other with sad eyes and smiled at one another as
James paid the bill and headed back to the last few hours of their magical
weekend.
It
was late and raining as they arrived back at the hotel. Both completely
exhausted from the day. They slowly and sleepily walked into the room and got
ready for bed, They both got under the covers and held each other so tightly
that neither one of them could move and neither one of them wanted to. They
stared into each other’s eyes, smiled, let some tears silently shed between the
two of them, as they kissed and touched one another and fell asleep in each
other’s arms.
#
As
the alarm went off the next morning, they both woke up to see that it had
stopped raining. Grace got slowly out of bed. Walked into the bathroom. Closed
the door behind her. Started the shower. Quietly put the seat on the toilet
down. Sat down and began to cry. She knew she loved him. She knew even after
only spending a few days with him. She had never felt stronger about anyone
before this man had come along. She knew he had changed her life in more ways
than just one. And in such a short period of time. She could not imagine not
having, seeing, touching, kissing, making love to this man every single day for
the rest of her life. After crying for a few moments, she picked herself up.
Got into the shower. She did after all have to get to work and had a life that
she had to get back to.
#
Grace
got out of the shower. Wrapped herself in a towel and walked out of the steamy
bathroom, back into the room. James was up and had just finished speaking with
his son and was sitting quietly and stoically at the edge of the bed. He looked
up at her. Sadly smiled at her. Got up. Walked over to her. Kissed her
passionately on the lips. Dropped her towel from her wet body. And they made
love for the last time. He couldn’t help but feel that he was completely whole
when he was with her. That he never wanted whatever this was, to ever end.
When
they were finished holding one another and looking into each other’s eyes, they
reluctantly got up and got ready for the long day ahead of them. Grace had work
and James had a long drive back to Orange County that he had ahead of him.
Watching the clock, they both realized they still had a little time before
Grace had to be at work. They drove to the bagel shop that they had been
frequenting over the past weekend. Bought cheese, bacon and egg bagels, and
coffee. They sat inside the bagel shop. In their usual booth. Ate quietly and
smiled at one another. Finally Grace broke the silence when she said,
I fell
in love with you in the simplest yet complex way possible. I want you more than
anything and wished for you before I even knew you existed. Simple because it
all just made more sense for me to love you than to love anyone else. Complex because
of everything else in between. The distance. Your divorce not being final yet.
You can’t be here, which is understandable. I would never want you to leave
your son. But I love you and I want you more than anything. And it’s up to you,
if you want me too. The decision is yours.
#
She waited for his response for
what seemed like long, agonizing minutes. Like time was standing still. He
sighed. Rubbed his face. There were so many thoughts going through his mind. He
thought his brain might explode. He thought about how much he wanted to be with
her and how he just wanted to make things work. Then he thought that he still
wasn't a completely free man. His
divorce was to be final at the end of the next month. He thought about Jeremiah
and how all of this would affect him and the progress that he had made. Once
that thought came to the forefront of his mind, he knew that he would have to
make the decision that he so dreaded having to make. He continued to sit in
silence – not wanting to say the words that needed to be said.
Tears ran down his cheeks. He
watched her slowly get up. Walk around the table. Plant a gentle kiss on his
cheek. Before he knew it, she had walked out the door. Out into the world. He
couldn’t bring himself to go after her. No matter how much he loved her and
wanted her, he had to let her go. He had to let her go because he knew that
right now – where he was at in his life – where she was at in her life – he
couldn’t move and he couldn’t and he wasn't at a place to be able to ask her to
move to be with him. A decision that he had always regretted.
#
Though
there had been other lovers since her – some he truly did love – no one ever
quite made him feel the way that Grace did. They lost touch after their weekend
– her decision, not his – though for a few months after he still tried to reach
out to her – without ever getting a response. He knew it was time to let her
move on. And he needed to do the same thing.
#
Without ever letting her know,
on the same weekend every year, he makes the six hour and nineteen minute trek
from Orange County to the Bay Area. Just to be closer to her and to remember
her and to feel again what he had lost the day she walked out of that bagel
shop. One year he actually brought his son with him and told him the story of
the woman that changed how he saw the world. And as he looks back on that cold,
rainy October day – the day that changed his life forever – he can’t help but
shed a tear and secretly hope that she will walk in and everything will be as
it always should have been. It will be him and her; her and him and Jeremiah.
Secretly hoping that it will be them. All of them; the way he always longed for
it to be.
